Remote Regions of the Political Landscape: The Thermodynamic Law Party
2008 Presidential Campaign, Ben Carnes
You’ve read the party platforms and you just aren’t satisfied. You feel as if you have slipped through the proverbial cracks of our trusty two-party system. Perhaps you’ve even branched out slightly, moving beyond Democrats and Republicans to the somewhat lesser-known political parties: The Green Party, The Libertarian Party, and so on… Still, you’re left wanting. You’re ready to officially declare yourself as an independent, but you still long for the pretentious banter and free doughnuts included in party membership. Don’t give up! I’m here to help! In what will be a recurring feature, I will be your tour guide within the wilderness of the United States’ political landscape, exposing the soft underbelly of American government, by introducing you to the political parties you’ve not yet considered and, most likely, have never heard of. This edition, we learn about the Thermodynamic Law Party!
Political Party: The Thermodynamic Law Party
Party Website: http://zapatopi.net/tlp/ (it’s both catchy and easy to remember)
2008 Presidential Candidate:
“Doug MacDuff, Ph.D. Thermodynamicist and TLP US Presidential Candidate”
Where They Stand: “For too long the hoax of radioactivity has been perpetrated on the American people. Money that has been spent on so-called nuclear energy and nuclear weapons — things that are in fact pseudoscientific mumbo-jumbo — has actually been embezzled by corrupt government officials. The Thermodynamic Law Party will seek to expose these acts of malfeasance and to bring the truth to the American public about the non-existence of radioactivity, and the many lies that have been derived from it and other anti-Thermodynamic falsehoods. These include: the Earth’s spontaneous internal “radioactive” sources of heat; an age of the Earth that is more than two orders of magnitude too large based on “radiometric dating”; the theories of evolution of species through transmutation, for which there was not enough time, and spontaneous generation of life from primordial ooze, which is in violation of the Laws of Thermodynamics; the silly idea that harmful microbial organisms can be rid from our food by exposure to “radioactive” elements; and the unwarranted fear of non-existent “radon gas”. Since the Thermodynamic Law Party is grass-roots and independent of the political establishment, we will be able to work against the forces that are trying to spread these Entropic lies.”
“Defense Through Non-Entropy: The “Make Sense” approach to national defense is a pro-active one. By using Thermodynamic principles we can safeguard against negative foreign forces. We will do this by decreasing the nation’s Entropy through extensive use of Kelvinian Meditation, tapping into the natural reservoir of non-Entropic energy that only KM can let loose. By doing so, the Entropic forces that threaten us from without will be pushed back, much like how adding fuel to a fire pushes back the cold. This is known as the Kelvinic Effect, and has been scientifically proven effective. We can accomplish this goal as part of our larger counter-Entropic policy. With public school children and government workers all practicing KM, Entropy will decrease quickly. Furthermore, as an extra defensive measure, special military troops will be trained in more advanced forms of Thermodynamics and KM. This will not only be easy to implement but will also save money, since less will need to be spent on weapons. With only 3% of the military strategically deployed and practicing Kelvinic Levitation, the influx of non-Entropic universal energy will be enough to create an impenetrable Thermodynamic barrier that will repel missiles, invaders and terrorists alike.”
“Better Standards Make Better Living: In our society increasingly dependent on scientific and technological knowledge, measurement is important. As William Thomson once said:If you can not measure it, you can not improve it.
We feel that in order to fully realize the society-improving potential of Twenty-First Century technology, as well as the Thermodynamic principles that underlie all technology, we must rid ourselves of old, clunky systems of measurement and replace them with “Make Sense” ones. Therefore, Thermocrats wholeheartedly support the Metric movement, and related advances in quantification technology. By fully switching to the Metric System (SI), we will not only benefit by the ease of use that a base-ten system will give us, but we will be bringing ourselves into sync with the rest of the industrialized world which has already embraced it. We also support the International Metric Time Initiative adopted at the Bern Summit, and will work to convert our nation’s clocks to Metric Time. Furthermore, we support the switch to the SI Kelvin temperature scale. The Kelvin scale will give us absolute measurements, instead of the relative ones of Fahrenheit and Celsius, and its use will be enforced on TV weather reports via the FCC and bank clocks via the FDIC.”
Bonus Insanity: Trust me. Just visit this site. The main, Thermodynamic Law Party page, points to this primer on “Kelvinian Meditation,” which, as you may have noticed, is a very important part of the party’s platform:
A quick reading of the site initially seems to indicate that the absurdity might be an intentional attempt at satire. Luckily for us, I don’t believe that’s the case.
To Clear Up Some Misconceptions: Selections from the “Q & A Section” of the website:
Q: Did the TLP cover up the murder of ex-TLP member Lance Hawthorn?
A: No. Mr. Hawthorn died of natural causes related to his disuse of Kelvinian Meditation.
Q: Is it true that the TLP is a front organization for a cult?
A: Absolutely not. We are a party that welcomes members of all faiths and who supports a pro-Thermodynamic view of the world.
Q: Does Kelvinian Meditation cause epileptic seizures in children?
A: No, only in lab mice at extreme doses.
Now that that is cleared up…
Summary: Unfortunately, there isn’t any information provided regarding how one would join the Thermodynamic Law Party. However, further digging is highly encouraged as this site is extremely…informative. The bar has been set very, very high for future featured political parties.
The Thermodynamic Law Party also marks the emergence of “The Republic of Cascadia” as a platform issue. For the uninformed, the Republic of Cascadia is a fancy name for the Pacific Northwest. According to Doug MacDuff, Ph.D.:
“If elected, I will work with the Canadians to end the subjugation of the Republic of Cascadia and liberate her peoples and hominoids from unjust Federal rule. I will also support the return of the Kingdom of Hawa’ii and the seceding of Alaska to the harbor seals. Expansion is known to cause Heat Death, and by pulling back the US borders to Idaho, I will be helping to ensure the prolonging of our national energies.”
As you will see, other lesser-known parties are also gravely concerned about this issue.
For those who missed it, be sure to check out Lee L. Mercer, Jr.’s website. Technorati Tags: Funny, Strange, Humor, Politics, Political, News, Campaign, Conservative, Conservatism, Science, Scary Ben Carnes @ January 12, 2008
